Why you should not be ashamed for believing in true love

Cat Person by Kristen Roupenian is now renowned as the most read online fictional story of all time, having been viewed by more e than 2.6 million readers. It is a piece of fiction, and yet if it wasn’t, I would dare to say that Margot, the female character, was raised by narcissistic parents. The piece introduces many important questions which warrant our attention. Questions such as why we continually and willingly construct idealised versions of people (many of whom we have met virtually) fall in love with them, and then crumble as we drop our hearts from cloud nine and watch them shatter to pieces. Why do we, 21st century women, still sometimes, after feeling even the slightest burn of doubt find it hard to say ‘no’ to sex? Why do more and more women find themselves in ‘situationships’, or relationships without clearly defined boundaries and expectations? And lastly, if we do all this due to a craving for true love and still find ourselves endlessly searching, where has true love gone? 

I believe that a lot of it has to do with the fact that since we were knee-high to a grasshopper, we have been fed stories of endless romance along with our Nesquick cereal bowls. Stories where the heroine’s misery, wicked spells, and illness have only been removed once the prince placed his lips upon hers. I remember, as a young girl, being sat in what my mom used to call “inappropriate distance” from the big grey box that was the TV and being brought to tears–not entirely sure why, back then–but now quite convinced that it was because I wanted to experience the same enchantment and magic so much that the pure temporal distance made me sad.

 

 

There are probably boys that wished for this too. But, I’m pretty sure that at this concrete operational stage of their development, most boys were jumping on a sofa, wearing a batman costume and waving their swords. And yet, we were already thinking of the embroidery on our wedding dresses. As we have grown up, our expectations might have become slightly more realistic but how much, really? How many of us got lost in endless reveries as they shed another tear watching Meghan and Harry’s wedding? No wonder, then, that as soon as an attractive male sends us a friend request on Facebook or a casual message slides into our DM inbox we start polishing the silver spoons.

We only engage in the art of idealisation out of attentiveness and care. Care for our old dreams and our inner little girls. It’s as if they are sat screaming in the middle of the grocery store, “When mommy! When will it happen!” And so we try to soothe: “Here you go darling, here’s a lollipop”. We want our lives to attain a purpose that in our busybody lives, endless to-do lists, and uncertain futures, can often seem absent.

One of the most cunning moments in Roupenian’s  story is when Margot finds herself in Robert’s apartment and the fact that she has shared the mundanity of her days with him is suddenly not enough to make her attracted to his naked body. She is afraid that if she recoils now, he would find her “spoiled and capricious.” So, instead she tries to convince herself how much she wants him by imagining herself through his eyes. 

“Look at this beautiful girl, she imagined him thinking. She’s so perfect, her body is perfect, everything about her is perfect, she’s only twenty years old, her skin is flawless, I want her so badly, I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else, I want her so bad I might die.” 

I believe that many of us, if we looked at the past with a sigh but without judgement would sense something familiar. Not necessarily in the blind pursuit of affection but in the fear of bringing and being a “disappointment.”  And perhaps we need to spend more time talking about how willing we are to silence our needs in order to “make it work”. How free- floating our boundaries have become. 

 

According to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 1 in 5 Americans are currently in an open relationship. And the BBC recently reported that “polyamorous relationships might be the future of love.” 

But screw statistics and “polyamorous liaisons”; we call those “friends with benefits”  and fyi, no strings attached.  From my personal experiences and those of my closest friends, I know how often we find ourselves trapped in a situation where we want something different from our male partners. We want to be taken seriously, we want to feel like the thought of us is what pulls their day forward. And no, we cannot just be “chill about it.” And yet. We go along with it, because some excitement is better than none. We hope that perhaps somewhere along the way we would be able to enchant them enough, so that we ourselves, become “enough”. And I know, we’ve all read the books now, we’ve all listened to the TED talks,we can all sit in bubble baths with scented candles and try hard to “be the love we need”. But it is just bloody hard, when we are raised in a culture that has made us feel like a half complete puzzle and indoctrinated us to wrap every guy thought we have in a pink ribbon forever after. 

I am not saying we need to learn to be our own prince charming. I am saying, ladies, have some mercy for yourselves. As Laura Jane Williams says, “Don’t be ashamed for believing in true love.” Just make sure you honour your own feelings just as much, if not more than everybody else’s.

 

To Reality
With Love,
N.